This Life Thing

I disappeared for a whole month trying to figure out this life thing. Not that I've figured out the life thing but I couldn't abandon my blog any longer. So much has happened the past few months that I haven’t shared. Beginning of this year I started a new job, something completely different to what I used to do. I wanted a challenge, something new. Don't ask me how it's going because I can't give you an answer, not yet anyway. Something really amazing also happened. I purchased a vehicle... Yes! She’s a RunX 160 RS and her name is August, why I chose to name her that you ask? Well... I'm a Leo baby born on 12 August and strangely enough my license plate numbers sum up my birth date and birth month. It's silly I know but it's something truly special if you were with me the day I went to pick her up you'd understand. The sales guy at Toyota actually made me realise the license plate thing, he's a numbers guy and I guess after that encounter I have come to find meaning in numbers. 

I should enter the lottery... hmmmm... Anyway the sales guy’s name is Fanie, he said some pretty out of this world things to me that day, very spiritual guy so you can imagine. The man and I left the dealership feeling so inspired, I wish I could carry Fanie in my handbag to get me through my worst days. I'll tell you the things Fanie expressed that day just not yet, I'm still speaking to the man upstairs about them and their truth. Anyway. It's been a strange year for me and it's only 7 months into it.

My cousin passed away around about the same time I bought my car and for weeks I couldn't share it with anybody, well the day I bought it I told my mom but as for the rest of the family, I could only formerly make the announcement a week before the funeral but most people found out about August a few weeks after the funeral, I mean you can't really be rejoicing about a car when  a dark cloud has fallen upon the family. My mom's cousin also passed away around the same time so I went to the Eastern Cape for two funerals, yea! I didn't really know my mom's cousin, uncle to me, all that well, we were apparently really young the last time he'd visited home. As for my cousin, he was like an older brother to me and I never cried when my mom broke the news to me, he had been really sick and so a part of me felt that at least he is resting, I did ball my eyes out a few days later though, I'd just finished washing dishes and was getting ready for bed when my eyes started welling up and I cried in solitude, the man was at work, I guess that's a good thing cause I had a good cry. I still think about him almost everyday and I want to cry when I do, it's still quite surreal but ke part of me has accepted. Uthixo umcinile.

I'm also really struggling with where I am in my career, I feel like I’m losing grip of everything - I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing or where I'm going. They say you're not supposed to have it all figured out by 25 oh well, in my case 26 because that is my soon to be age. I don't know. I had envisioned a better life than this, I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be. Where did I want to be again? 

It doesn’t make it any easier when you have people younger than you doing really incredible things, I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to other people but in some cases I think we need to, that's how you realise where your life is and what kind of changes you need to make. My current state of mind has brought me a little closer to the man upstairs though, I speak to him sometimes even at times when I don't realise that I am. It's not really prayer, more like a conversation; something like "dude so what's the plan, where are we going exactly? What should my next step be because I'm not entirely sure at the moment and you need to help me out with that, I mean that's what parents do, I mean I'm all about helping myself so that you can help where you can and everything but I’m not exactly sure what it is that I need to do, anyway, amen, let's chat again later, I've been in the bathroom too long"

 I've always considered my relationship with God to be quite awkward, I mean I'll go to church and everything but a really good friend of mine told me that church is not where you go to find God it's where you go to rejoice him. She told me that God is in you, God is the word and the only way to build a relationship with him is to speak to him, read the bible to understand his word and most importantly pray to him and not only in times of need but in good times too. She's the only person to ever make me get it and it makes getting to know God a lot less complicated. I thought if I went to church then he would see me, that I could hear him when he spoke and that he would whisper to me too like he does to the prophets, but that's not the case. I honestly get bored being in church unless it's a really good service with praise and worship songs (those that I actually know and can sing) and if the sermon is something so touching where I forget to even look at the clock, that happened in January 1st day of the year, a service I was invited to by the man's fam. That was a great start to the year. 

Anyway I've been quiet because I'm figuring out this life thing and getting to know the man upstairs, even though I haven’t figure it all out as yet and some days it's darker than its ever been and I can't find my way towards the tunnel but I'm always happy that I woke up to make a second attempt at finding the light and there's only one person to thank for that. August would not have existed if it wasn't for him and I wouldn't be where I am today so I thank him.